The March Sweeps

I am back in Athens, and in honor of my triumphant return and terrible jet lag, all of the Greek TV channels have decided to roll out some real stinkers on their late-night movie roster. I can't fall asleep before 4:00 or 5:00 a.m., so I stay up and watch TV until I'm tired, and then I can't haul myself out of bed before noon. It's like being a college freshman without all the perks (i.e. dorm cleaning service, meal service, class 3 times a week, my parents bankrolling the whole operation, etc.). Anyway, here's my review of the illustrious examples of American cinema that have been on over the past few days:

Martin Scorcese's "Gangs of New York"
This one would be more aptly titled "Gangs of Gee I'd Like That Three and a Half Hours of My Life Back." I would love to see the look on Scorcese's face when he is told that the Greek TV channel only had to pay the equivalent of $25 for the rights to show this "blockbuster" nationally. Daniel Day Lewis was good, Leonardo DiCaprio was so-so at best, and Cameron Diaz was wholly unconvicing as both redhead, as an Irish woman and, let's not mince words, as an actress. Did the latter two have accent coaches, or did they just watch "Far and Away" a couple times for instruction? Scorcese himself makes an oh-so-modest-and-not-at-all-prosaic appearance as a rich New Yorker (whoa! whoa! don't stretch yourself too much there, Marty!), which pretty much sealed this film's fate as a total, total waste of time.

"Rock Star," featuring Mark Wahlberg and Jennifer Anniston
In deference to the classic rockumentary "This Is Spinal Tap," I'm going to give this one a two-word review: "Sh*t Star."

"All the Pretty Horses"
Um, did the people who made this movie ever read Cormac McCarthy's book? No really, did they? Seriously guys, I'm asking a question here.

"Highlander"
This was actually the first R-rated movie I ever had the pleasure and priviledge to see, and the good news is that R-rated movies could only be better after that. I don't really remember it being so terrible (in fact, my older brothers and my dad deemed it "awesome"), but, my God, was this some 15-year-old boy's after-school project or something? The sad thing is that I mentioned that I saw it to a guy at the American School, and he was like, "Oh, that's an awesome movie." I think I just widened my eyes in response at the time, but that doesn't prevent me from making snarky comments now. And while I would argue that the bulk of Queen's "music" catalog should be obliterated forever from human memory, their "work" on the soundtrack reached incredible, mind-blowing new lows. The fact that there is a "Highlander 2" truly hurts my sensibilities.

I have watched other flicks, but I think I've blocked them out for fear of further damage to my fragile psyche. When I get my act together, I just might post pictures of my vacation in the Bahamas, which, let me tell you, was sweet.